What Happened, Santa?

I’m old, therefore, my image of Santa Claus is this:

Merry Christmas, ho, ho, ho!

I think anyone over 50 who celebrates Christmas is in agreement.

So  I guess I have to wonder, What Fresh Hell Is This?

A whole new idea of Santa? Isn’t that creepy spying elf enough of an interloper on my traditional Christmas?

Hipster Santa? With a ginger beard? Holy smoke, what have we come to?

God Almighty, he walks around in daylight with a smart phone and a chai latte. Sorry kids, you got a second rate Santa if this is what you think might be coming down your chimney on Christmas Eve.

I don’t know, he reminds me more of this guy, than Santa.

Cornelius! From Rudolf the Rednose Reindeer!

But, no, this is a whole new generation, and this is now what’s going on:

That’s right, today’s Santa has serious diet regimes. What the hell, kid? You gonna harsh up Hipster Santa’s intestines with non vegan, poisonous white flour and hormone laden milk? Sheeeeeee-yat!

Wait a second! He’s not going to funk up his precious lungs with toxic creosote dust either! He’s probably going waltz in your sister’s window because she swiped right on his super cool tinder profile. Uh…was he supposed to bring gifts, or is this Netflix and chill?

If this hipster Santa wasn’t rough enough, don’t fret, there is competition. He’s lean, he’s sharp, and he appears to be more into how he’s looking as he makes the  Yule scene, instead of focusing on magically delivering toys to millions and millions of little kids all over the world in one night. I guess it is a daunting task, so hey. He’s gonna focus on style over substance, right?

Meet Fashion Santa… Well, hells bells, who the f#%! are you and what are you doing in my living room? And why on earth are you wearing a belt over a blazer?

There actually is an honest-to-goodness real mall Hipster Santa. In Portland, Oregon, of course. He talks with little kids about being good, giving back, kumbacha tea and saving the planet. He doesn’t seem bad, he actually looks quite jolly on that giant green seat. It’s just that he’s got … a man bun.


Oh, Santa. Is this what you’ve become? Well, okay, I am an adult. My era is done. It’s time for Hipster Santa. Sorry kids.

Just remember, if you’re really not into it, you can always try to invoke Krampus.


Krampus, the Evil Christmas Elf, beats kids who don’t behave.


About EF Sweetman

writing, reading, pretty much everything noir
This entry was posted in blogging, cautionary tales, christmas, conspiracy, drama, essay, family, humor, Men's Fashion, Observations, Obsessions, society, winter and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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