I’ll Have an Extra Smarmy Venti with Two Pumps of Who The F*ck Cares

I can’t be the only one around who had no clue about the mega over-priced, crappy coffee chain red cups until my newsfeed and twitter informed me EVERYONE IS OUTRAGED OVER THE STARBUCKS RED CUP CONTROVERSY

Are we? We are? Really? I honestly felt like an 87 year-old auntie who fell asleep at the Thanksgiving table and woke up in the middle of a conversation I knew absolutely nothing about. I am all like, “What?” “Who?” “What the hell are we talking about?”

They all end up in the garbage heap

Who else doesn’t go here because you actually become homicidal if you have to order something in their made up lingo?

Oh, wait, I get it! Starbucks is doing its drama shitstorm!

It’s been a while since Race Together Campaign. That was the one where customers were given directives to talk about race instead of being allowed to just enjoy their overpriced coffee drink while discussing or thinking about things of their choosing.


That promotion, or rather, phase one of that promotion ended less than a week after it began due to the deluge of derision blasted at CEO Howard Schultz. Evidently, people paying for sugar-laden, overpriced fatty concoctions with coffee in there somewhere don’t like to have “opportunities to…re-examine how a more empathetic and inclusive society-one conversation at a time” foisted upon them.

It was like, “Okay, we’ll pay double for burnt coffee, endure the condescending attitude of your baristas, subject our ears to drippy music, and try to pull off the whole Friends vibe in your Third Space, but we draw the line at you scripting our thoughts and conversations.

Then there was the organic (hey, who else hates that term?) Pay It Forward Campaign. Remember that? August 2014: The Drive-thru set was offered the opportunity to pay for a drink for the driver of the car behind him or her. Aside from the dislexic name-the direction of the payment was actually going behind the person paying, it likely stiffed the sap who payed for a $7 chocolatte and only got a short black…God, no wonder they want us to talk about race if you have to order something that sounds like that. Anyway, that campaign drama ended at car number 378 when blogger Peter Schorsche deliberately joined the conga-line of love and caffeine to break it up because he felt people were participating out of guilt instead of generosity.

Personally, I believe those participating were in Drive-thru because they were wearing something more even unspeakable than giant plaid pajama bottoms, a NorthFace fleece and Uggs, and they were too ashamed to stand in line. 

Drive thru line was too long

Eff that! Drive thru line was too long and I need my tall vanilla frappe with whipped cream and caramel drizzle now.

After scrolling through about 734 tweets and posts from people who really don’t give a shit about what the hell Starbucks puts on their damn cups, it dawned on me that Starbucks is actually a mega corporation embodiment of that stupid drama-douche you know so well.

You know you know who I’m talking about, right? Eveyone had or now has at least one of those people–either in real life, or on-line. He or she is the one who deliberately sucks the limelight away from whomever might be deservedly basking in it for a fraction of a second too long. The person who harshes your good news about your life, your work, your love, your whatever by either 1. topping your story with a much better story or 2. bringing you down with tragedy. That special someone who pops up on Facebook with a random, mysterious reference about being outraged, pissed off, sad, worried, whatever… but won’t answer the eighty-seven people who ask “What’s going on?” Yes, THAT ONE.

Hey! I'm planning a big melt down at your birthday party!

Hey! I’m planning a big melt down at your birthday party!

Starbucks has always been the mega corporation of THAT ONE. Totally pretentious, PC thuggish, in possession of a bloated sense of self-worth, unabashedly self-promoting while trying to project the image that it is unique, concerned, involved, ironic, decidedly high-minded, entitled-to-speak-for-all because-it-is-so-incredibly-awesome-and we-need-to-just-know-that.

Don’t believe me? Just order a large coffee. That very atrocity against Starbucks (also known as an AAS) will earn you looks of such withering contempt that shame will cause your mouth to fill with bitter bile which disguises their burnt garbage flavored coffee. Honestly, what the hell is venti anyway? It kind of sounds Italian for window or twenty. And then comes tall? Grande? Pretty sure trenta is their biggest size but it’s something I’d never consider because I’m saving for another bike.

The Starbucks Red Cup campaign was designed to be about Starbucks. Not to get you to think of the meaning of Christmas, or the loss of the meaning of Christmas, or anything else that has to do with anything. That’s it! That’s all there is to it. Except, here’s the newsflash:

How dare we pull the limelight off things like grande iced sugar free lattes with soy milk to be nostalgic for seasonal images like snow flakes, candy canes and Joy? Because for me, in these times that we can come together on so very little, the things like snowflakes, candy canes and Joy are a lot nicer than a steaming cup of drama.

Don't forget the reason for the season...Venti Chestnut Praline Latte, extra foam for Jeebus

Don’t forget the reason for the season…Venti Chestnut Praline Latte, extra foam for Jeebus

About EF Sweetman

writing, reading, pretty much everything noir
This entry was posted in blogging, cautionary tales, drama, red cups, society, starbucks, who cares, writing and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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