Departmental Updates

What a sad time for this blog! Such infrequent posts that I’ve resorted to departmental updates, much like the tortuous monthly work meetings that make you want to request at least three hours of your life back.

Oh my God, she's going to talk!


Go grab a styrofoam cup of room temperature coffee, flavor it with Coffee Mate and find an empty metal folding chair–no, don’t bother looking for the stale cookies, those were all eaten by the office temps who set up the meeting room. Let me jack up the heat to 85 degrees and shut all the windows and doors. Comfy? Good! Let’s get started.
First I’ll wrap up with meeting minutes from last time: The Red Sox lost the game I was writing about in the last entry and then proceeded to lose about 714 more games before finally playing a bit more as expected. An emergency support group was launched and initially, some poor slobs were turned away for the first several meetings. It was actually the most successful endeavors of the corporation until the Red Sox began playing better on April 16th.
The bees continue to thrive. Neighbor relations regarding the bees remain distant but congenial despite the occasional “Is that a bee!!!” shriek from Mrs. Neighbor when a small propellor plane flies by. The cordial gift of honey was well received but did little to alleviate the anxiety this poor woman suffers living so perilously close to the beehive. Negotiations continue with the highest hopes that she will come around to adore them as she really should.
The size and status of the Red Bicycle Fleet remains the same but we are always hopeful and on the look out for the next great find and we often wonder why no one has the presence of mind to anonymously gift us with this:

Will somebody please just give me this bike????


The finance department reports no new changes in our fiscal coffers which unfortunately means the grind continues unabated and I’ll have to wait for someone to give me that bike instead of going out and buying it.
How many hints do you people actually need?
Now let’s move onto current business!
Department of Travel and Intestinal Diseases: On the eve of departure for another amazing adventure! Canada! As a chaperone! To teenagers! Where’s my Xanax! Thanks for that great joke Brian–he’s the HR intern and helped me write the agenda today.
Seriously, I am a chaperone for my youngest son’s school for a trip to Montreal and Quebec! What fun! We’ll be spending an ungodly amount of time in a bus when we’re not walking around and avoiding death threats if the Bruins beat the Canadians in the play-offs. It’s going to be fantastic, oh and Go Bruins! I’m going to shout it about every 10 minutes when we’re in Montreal.
Department of Neglect: One really has to wonder how a man can go from wearing a full beard for the entire winter:

Dan with a beard


to shaving it off one morning and not having his family say one single thing about it for one whole week???

Dan without a beard


Sadly this was the case, which initiated a full investigation by the Department of Neglect. We’ve put our top three agents on it due the the high-priority status which should take about three or four weeks to complete. The report will be presented at the June meeting–which I’d like to remind everyone is also the company Bar-B-Que! Don’t forget to bring your adult bibs because it’s going to be ribs this year!
Department of Criminal Neglect: Sadly we have to end on a down note. Sorry people but there’s no getting around this gorilla in the china cabinet. Now wait a second, deep breath everyone! Find the happy place! Calm DOWN! Everything turned out all right. It was just a wake-up scare but it’s given us a good reason to look at the internal structure of things and evaluate certain competencies of those we assumed were a little more responsible than a homunculus.
Here are the facts as we have them so far, and before you fly off the handle again, Yes, the Department of Internal Affairs is all over this one!
A Saturday morning ride went horribly wrong when a certain irresponsible person who can’t even notice her husband’s beard was shaved for one week left the driveway gate opened after returning from the city dump. The dog that usually runs away was thankfully distracted by a mouse living in the garage (yes, we’re looking into adding filthy living conditions to the charges)

Honey at the mouse hole


The missing individual was Artie aka The One Dog Party. A search and rescue crew was immediately dispatched, lead by the irresponsible individual, her very responsible son who noticed Artie was missing and Honey who kept pulling the team back to the mouse hole until she was left there because she was no help whatsoever.
The search area covered ground from the beach to the common to downtown. Many helpful citizens were questioned to no avail although they promised to “Keep and eye out”.
After an hour of fruitless effort, the neglected but clean-shaven Dan offered to take the truck out in hopes of covering more area more efficiently. It was at that time that all search efforts ceased because the blasted terrier never actually got out of the truck upon returning from the dump.
A full report on this utterly senseless debacle will follow after Internal Affairs complete this priority inquiry. Just so you don’t leave on a bad note, please be assured that a safety surveillance team has been dispatched to the home of the perpetrator and will remain on duty until further notice.

Artie recovering from his perilous neglect


So that’s it folks! Have a great week and don’t forget that Thursday is the final day of Don’t Brush Your Teeth Week! Let’s see who can beat Ned for the most interesting plaque accumulated between your teeth this year!

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About EF Sweetman

bees, baseball, beverly, ma, culture, manners, society, writing
This entry was posted in baseball, blogging, Blogroll, Dogs, family, humor, Observations, pets, society, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Departmental Updates

  1. chlost says:

    My father once shaved a god-awful mustache off, and no one noticed it, either. Apparently, this is a not-uncommon occurrence in family groups in which the male leader of the family is the quiet one. Perhaps the leadership development team could look into assertiveness training for said ignored leader.

  2. TheIdiotSpeaketh says:

    I have gone a week after shaving off a beard…..only to have the wife stare at me and remark….”Something about you is different….I can’t put my finger on it though….did you change the part in your hair?”

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