Today I Stand Accused Of Trying to Poison My Family

Let’s all take a deep breath and remember one thing: Innocent until proven guilty.
All right, so today, wait, first of all–our tree is FINALLY up and decorated. Last family on the street again! Our streak is unbroken since moving here three years ago! Woo Hoo! Let’s hear it for consistency! Let’s hear it for diversion because I’m avoiding this story!

After a nice afternoon of tree decorating, I decided to whip up one of my gourmet dinners because I love those boys soooo much. I didn’t have the proper French region of Brie for the souffle I was planning to make so I foraged for an alternative five-star entrée. Deep in the back of our immaculately organized refrigerator:

Would you eat anything out of this?

I found left over turkey, dressing and gravy. Before you give me the shocked face while pointing at the calendar, rest assured that it passed the smell and taste test and the terriers weren’t running away when I took it out.
I blopped everything in a big sauce pan, added salt and pepper and a box of rice pilaf and some chicken broth and set it to simmer. May I add that I decided against the green beans? Not just because they were grey beans; they would have diminished the presentation and made it, to quote my older son, “Look like prison food”.
A good meal can’t be rushed so I let things simmer for about an hour, maybe three–definitely enough time to kill Listeria, salmonella, legionella and botulism. It certainly smelled good–the taste was perhaps a bit off, but nothing a lot of pepper couldn’t remedy.
I called the boys to dinner, always a treasured sight to watch them approach the table like deer edging out of the forest.
“What is it?” my youngest son asked, staring at the steaming bowls of tan. Why does everything I make turn tan?
“Turkey soup/stew! Without beans!” That was as good as I could make it sound.
All three heads turned to the calendar.
“Turkey from Thanksgiving?” asked my younger son.
“Well, aahhh…Yes!”
“Do you think it’s safe to eat?” asked my husband. (Note here that none of them moved any closer to the table after I announced what I was serving them.)
“Oh sure, I tried some already!”
They looked at me, amazed, then a little horrified then each of them suddenly remembered they just eaten such an enormous amount of food that they couldn’t possibly cram in one bite of my delicious dinner.
Imagine that, what an uncanny coincidence.
Finally, I’d like to add that the terriers enjoyed some before I scraped the whole mess into the sink disposal and they are just fine.

Brave terriers survive turkey poisoning

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About EF Sweetman

bees, baseball, beverly, ma, culture, manners, society, writing
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13 Responses to Today I Stand Accused Of Trying to Poison My Family

  1. Seasweetie says:

    This is so funny! I made soup out of leftover T-Day turkey on Wednesday. When I pulled the cauldron out of the refrigerator on Friday, it was….bubbling. Very suspiciously. Like something out of Macbeth. Kelsea said, “Don’t risk it.” And even though it smelled good to me, I must admit I don’t have much of a nose, and it seemed to have some kind of bizarre froth on the top. So it’s back in the fridge awaiting trash day and I’m bummed. It was good for the two days I had it. Back to the kitchen drawing board.

    • sweetman says:

      When what you’re cooking reminds you of something out of the witches cauldron in Macbeth and has a bizarre froth, I think you’ve made the right decision to heed your daughter’s warning. So funny! I love the visual!

  2. TheIdiotSpeaketh says:

    Tan huh? Can I borrow some recipes from ya? Everything I cook turns out green. I would kill to be able to cook good tan. Thanks…now I’m hungry for some tan…. 🙂 – Maaaahhhhkkkkk

    • sweetman says:

      Tan is good, the terriers love tan, they’ll eat tan with gusto.
      As for the secret recipe, God only knows–it just ends up tan. I’ll scoop some into your Christmas card, Maaaaaaahhhhhhhk, just make sure you heat it up thoroughly!

  3. TheIdiotSpeaketh says:

    Send an extra large helping. No skimping Liz! 🙂

  4. chlost says:

    My daughter-in-law has no sense of smell. Nothing. So, she overcompensates by throwing out any food that she thinks MIGHT have been around too long. She is shocked, nay disgusted, by some of the food in my refrigerator. When they lived with us, I never had such an empty fridge. She threw out everything past the expiration date (those are just suggestions from the lawyers-there is always a lot of time of remaining safety built into those dates!). Each time she visits, she goes through things and fills my garbage can. I will add, that like you, no one has ever gotten sick on my food. In fact, I believe that I helped my children build very necessary immunity to many of those things you listed in this post-listeria, etc- which has allowed them to remain healthy throughout their own college and beginning to live on their own years.
    I’m with you. We mothers are never given the credit we deserve!

  5. TheIdiotSpeaketh says:

    Fern also goes good with tan! You should try it. 🙂

  6. hahahahaha
    this conversation cracks me up. My mother and I have had this argument for years. She, like the idiot-thinks that without the presence of foliage, any food is still edible. I am one for cleaning out her refrigerator.
    You guys remember Seinfeld’s standup on drinking milk the day after the day?
    “Scares the hell out you, doesn’t it?”
    Great post. Love the image of your family cautiously approaching the table like deer.
    Also, and this is equally important: your dogs are adorable.

    • sweetman says:

      Thanks! I fear I’ll become more, “Oh, it’s FINE!” as I get older–hopefully one of my sons will step in. Yes, the Seinfeld milk bit does kind of apply here! Dogs still continue to thirive which doesn’t help the cause. They will eat anything.

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