HALLOWEEN!!! and How Not To Ruin Your Children’s Lives

Happy Halloween!

Halloween Pumpkins---ooooh, scary!

I love this time of year, I love creepiness and candy. Confession: I went out for Halloween until I was a senior in highschool. Then I went to college at Salem State College and had the ultimate Halloween of my life during my freshman year.
Things have tamed a bit over the years. We’ll just put out a few jack-o-lanterns, we don’t do up big Halloween House despite the fact that I live in a haunted house. I’ll give out the candy in my usual fashion: Make the kids say, Trick or Treat! and Thank you. Gosh, I’m amazed we haven’t gotten egged.
I just got a flyer from Halloween Headquarters for kids costumes–I think October 30th is kind of late for that flyer. After looking through, I decided they must be trying to get rid of a bunch of stuff that just didn’t move in August (the perfect time of year for neurotic over-achiever parents to begin the process of Halloween preparation). This flyer is definitely for the desperate parents who either didn’t plan ahead or have no clue about the psychological damage they will be inflicting when they send their precious darlings out decked out in these:

Please don't do this to your young son!

Oh my gosh, why would you inflict this torture on you child? Just let him learn the moves and enjoy the music if he likes Michael Jackson.

Garden gnome

Well now, you’ve just labeled your child a creepy lawn-stalker.

The flyer had a lot of baby costumes. Most new parents dress their infants as bumble bees or a little pod of sweet peas or as a teddy bear. Well Halloween Headquarters wants new parents to think creatively and funnel all their orthodontic and college money into pop culture.

Forget making a cute baby look sweet, make her Lady Gaga and let the weirdness start!

Remember my rant against pink baseball caps with watermelons? Those are tame compared to this get-up. But then again, why should boys have all the fun being Darth Vader???

Please Mommy, stop this torture and send me to the Dark Side

The flyer piqued my interest in bad (as in wrong and damaging) costumes for kids so I did a search and came up with a million options. Many of the listings are on parental websites that list up to 2,000 dangerous costumes because they are dark, block vision, hypersexualize children and are too scary. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ve been hearing that since I was a kid but here are a few that are really, really bad. And bad to do to your kid. Far more damaging than vision blocking, too scary and hypersexual:

Parents, you’d better know the neighborhood you send your kid to if you’re going to let him out in this costume.

News flash for those wondering: NEVER dress your child as a Hitler Baby

This is probably the stongest case for child emancipation I have ever encountered. I–I–I have no other words for this….

Naked family costumes...errrrr...what's the daughter so interested in????

Instead of handing them candy, perhaps a call to Child Protective Services would be more appropriate.

Now don’t panic if you haven’t made it to Halloween Headquarters (thought they’d roll out the best stuff in the last minute? Ha! Ha! Ha!) Let your kids make up their own costumes from the crap you have lying around the house–believe me, it can’t be worse than any of these.

About EF Sweetman

writing, reading, pretty much everything noir
This entry was posted in 1, blogging, Blogroll, cautionary tales, family, Fashion, humor, Men's Fashion, Observations, society and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to HALLOWEEN!!! and How Not To Ruin Your Children’s Lives

  1. Sinman says:

    The last photo was the scariest damn thing I’ve ever seen!

  2. TheIdiotSpeaketh says:

    So…..those are the nice people that bought those suits in our last garage sale!….our family actually wore them much better! 🙂

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