Brace yourselves. After suffering the tragic loss of Paul the Octopus, it appears his peaceful death may have been fudged and fabricated by those in the know at the Oberhausen Sea Life Centre in Germany.
Rumors have been flying since news of his death broke yesterday.
According to Jiang Xiao, the director of a forthcoming thriller entitled Who Killed Paul the Octopus?, the creature had really been dead for the last three months. Jiang is reportedly “60 to 70% sure” Paul had died in July and been secretly replaced by his keepers.
Explaining how such a deception could have been perpetrated, she added: “Octopuses (sic) [wouldn’t a real expert in cephalopod chicanery know to call multiples of octopus octopi? ] all look the same. It is impossible to tell the difference.”
Jiang continues with these alarming allegations, “For the movie, we had done quite a lot of investigation and I am 60% to 70% sure that Paul died on 9 July [two days before the World Cup final] and the Germans have been covering up his death and fooling us for a long time.”
Hmmm, 60% to 70% sure….I don’t like those odds.
But wait! there’s another conspiracy theory, worse than the squid-switch: Paul the Octopus was murdered by a British Hired Goon for choosing Germany over England, the place of Paul’s birth. This is a bit of smoke and mirrors and authorities are not ready to follow that line of thought due to a general belief that the entire betting world picked Germany over England in the match.
A spokesperson for the he Oberhausen Sea Life Centre in Germany released an official statement regarding the questionable circumstances and timing of the psychic octopus’ demise,
“It’s certainly not true that Paul died in the summer. We can absolutely assure you that he died last night. He was about two and a half, which is the average age for an octopus. He died a simple and straightforward death.”
The aquarium has set up a condolence book and is planning to creamate his remains and place the ashes in a replica of the World Cup trophy which dashes rumors that they have been accepting recipies for grilled squid.