That’s it, J Crew and Madewell! You have sent me your LAST catalogues!

I just got another new fall catalogue today from Madewell.

It’s a spawn catalogue of J Crew. For some reason, J Crew loves me. They send me about 25 catalogues a year despite my numerous requests telling them to quit it. I must have, at some time in my life, fit their demographic perfectly which is really funny because
1. I don’t like their clothes
2. I can’t afford their clothes and
3. I don’t fit into their clothes as I’m not 6 feet tall, 100 pounds and perpetually 23 years old.
Undaunted, they believe with every fiber of their being that they’ve got what it takes to get me into a J Crew outfit which will result in me parting with at least 300 of my hard earned dollars. I have to admire that kind of tenacity.

The new tactic is to send me 50 catalogues a year from their sister retailer Madewell. This catalogue is deceptive; it has a hard-working, gritty cover that gives me the impression it’s got some substance in its 60% post-consumer recycled pages. I was also under the impression that Madewell was supposed to have an appeal to those who wanted to spend 20% less than J Crew.

Hah! on both accounts! Ugly clothes for ridiculous prices! I despair for what I’m going to see this fall if these are the styles of the moment.

You must shell out $150 for these craptacular britches...they're special because they make you look really fat and poor!

Not into stripes? (That’s too bad, nearly every page has someone wearing prison stripes for nothing less than $100.) Well how about this little number:

Buy this sack-of-grain blouse with the rope-beneath-your-boobs look for $120! Wow! for that kind of money it's a fashion heist!

And I can die the day after I wear this “kicky” (translation: effing-fugly) denim romper because after one full day in them, all of my life dreams will be utterly accomplished:

A woman in her mid forties has EVERY reason to wear denim rompers, especially when they are $150!

And you know, when I’m feeling kind of lacey-flouncy-cut-off-sweat-pantsy, you will most assuredly see me in this get-up:

What a winning combo! Sexy lace and my-ass-groove-is-embedded-on-my-couch-sweatpants cut-offs for $350.

Now my real fashion dilemma…do I wear this?

Local Yokel overalls with real patches for $200--to die for!

Or these?

You have to pay more for the patches, holes and really ugly style of these jeans--$200!

to the New Year soiree? You see, $200 is my limit for an article of clothing for a formal event. I’m hoping the hillbilliness is minimized in the bank-emptying price tag (which will be prominently displayed). I’ll glide past all those jealous formally gowned gals who will writhe in envy when they see I”ve spent two hundred bucks on my patches and dirty denim. Meeeyowwww!

How did women’s fashion fall so far? What the heck happened? Multiple factors, I’m certain, which sadly say so much about corporate sales suave ability to lead large consumer groups to the proverbial trough and actually get them to drink the putrid water. It’s almost funny if it weren’t so awful to see women who are not 6 feet tall, 100 pounds or 23 years old parade around in those duds. Hell, it doesn’t matter if they are all of the above, it still looks really ugly.

I just returned my Madewell catalogue with a copy of this post…my final attempt to get them to stop sending me their crappy catalogues.

About EF Sweetman

writing, reading, pretty much everything noir
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8 Responses to That’s it, J Crew and Madewell! You have sent me your LAST catalogues!

  1. sheesh, I adore jCrew. If you look beyond all the crazy prints, they have nice things. oh, and if I can fit into their clothes, you certainly can, too.
    but, it does stink getting so many catalogues, especially after requesting they stop sending the things… talk about a waste of paper!

    • sweetman says:

      Aaawww, don’t go all guilting me Nicole! I think half those catalogues are yours. I’ll make you a J Crew catalogue outfit.
      Are you guys in Portland? Do you have an address yet?? Thanks for the great books–where do I send the “thank-you note???? xoxo

  2. redriverpak says:

    Looks they target the Dexy’s Midnight Runners “Come one Eileen” crowd still stuck in the 80’s……

  3. Sinman says:

    Wow, I feel really fortunate to not be posing shirtless, showing my 6-pack abs, in a J.Crew get up!! Really, where can I get the “sweat pants craptacular” stuff? Sounds Awesome!

    • sweetman says:

      You can shuffle around the bottom of any dumpster or keep your eye open along the highway–there are ways of finding “fashion gems” like the above without spending a penny! Oh and please do wear the crap-sweats sans shirt; at most pair it with a moth-eaten, stained ‘wife-beater’ tee.

  4. bostongraf says:

    Forgive me, but this touches on one of the joys of being a man. Simple clothing.

    Or at least that corporations do not assume that we have complex and horrible clothing tastes that change multiple times per year, as JCrew obviously believes is the case with all women.

    Clothing comes down to getting a couple of the same shirt in multiple colors. Same for pants. Replace colors as stains/holes make them unwearable to work. Keep stained/torn clothes for non-work activities until wife tries to rid you of them (per your previous article on underwear).

    Of course, the weekly MicroCenter fliers do generate that joyous shopping bug feeling, but at least they generally have competitive prices on things…Oh, and I shop there regularly, so the paper is not exactly wasted on me.

    • sweetman says:

      No forgiveness required Bostongraf, you are dead-on right about everything. The only thing I’d debate is that women don’t so much as have complex clothing taste as they expect they’ll go out and buy (several times a year) a wardrobe full of clothes that get worn for one season. Isn’t that awful?!

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