Maniacal Ranting from a TV Hound

This is definitely coming from an alarming lack of sleep thanks to Shark Week. Last night’s episode, Shark Bite Beach was really unnerving, even for someone like me who professes to love* sharks.

Guess what I'm watching this week?

My older son (who hasn’t been watching with us hence has probably been getting more restful sleep this week) commented last night that he knows where to find us lately: flopped in front of the television. This raised my hackles instantly. I’ve been going around for years bashing television! I spout things like It drains your brain! It makes you stupid! It replaces white matter with gelatinous goo!

“That’s not true! It’s…it’s Shark Week! It’s not like the TV is on all day! I never watch it except for Seinfeld and The Simpsons and now TMZ because it’s on before Seinfeld, oh yeah and the news, I have to see if there’s any sharks in the Beverly Harbor! And we’re watching Deadliest Catch because of Captain Phil! And sometimes I watch the Red Sox instead of listening to them on the radio…” my list of shows I watch while not watching TV had barely begun.

My older son gave me a look and nod that said, “Madam, me thinks you protest too much.” I knew that’s exactly what I was doing the second I started my defensive tirade.

The television gets turned off when school starts. It’s been the law of the land forever because all work suffers when the boob tube is blasting away. Every September we go through a pretty rough televison withdrawal that lasts about a week. It is a tough time. I think I’m the worst and I get pretty mean when I’m jonesing for TV. My guys know to avoid me at all cost in the first week of September.

Despite this confession that I’m a TV addict, there are at least 2 shows I know I’ll never stoop to watch. I think these are the absolute worst and a terrible reflection on our society and what we value. Honestly, they are the sign of the Apocolypse.

I don’t even want to know what draws intelligent, semi-intelligent and even the homunculus among us to waste time with Jersey Shore or The Real Housewives of New Jersey. I don’t care, I hate them. I hate the way they look, talk, walk, eat, dress, drive, breathe. I can’t stand the shallowness of their lives or that so many people drop their jaws and empty their minds to let their stuff in. I do not see one single redeeming or enlightening aspect of either show. I have no idea why New Jersey spawned this kind of entertainment but it’s a sad comment about the Garden State if that’s the best they can do.

There is no way this chick:

Snooki makes me feel Barfy

Or this dude:

The Situation with a fake bake and man boobs

Or the surgically enhanced hags from New York, New Jersey or DC:

New Jersy Housewives aka The Naugahide Bags--what parts of them are real? Only their plastic surgeons know!

will ever improve my life. Never. Ever. Ever.

O.K. there’s my rant, here’s my pitch: Next years Shark Week! the Jersey Crap reality show stars get thrown into the Great White feeding rings of death. They can wear their favorite designer clothes and gym-tan-laundry before they’re launched. I like it. I like it a lot.

*I love sharks in a really long-distance relationship kind of way.

About EF Sweetman

writing, reading, pretty much everything noir
This entry was posted in 1, Blogroll, cautionary tales, Discovery Channel, essay, family, Men, Observations, Shark Week, Sharks, short story, society, unplugged, winter, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Maniacal Ranting from a TV Hound

  1. redriverpak says:

    I agree! Trust me….I may make jokes about Jersey Shore or other shows but I have NEVER seen them and have no plans to do so! I watched shark bite beach last night as well. I will NEVER set foot in the Pacific Ocean again! 🙂

  2. thiszine says:

    Yea for sharks! And really, is “Jersey Shore” helping NJ’s image at all?

    –Lacey, from thiszine

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