Maybe you should have done WHAT???

Good times, good times last Saturday night.
I have recently joined a biking/running team with my husband and a couple of friends. It’s a fun group of people who are a lot more hard-core than I am but welcoming despite it. As part of a team, I’m motivated to work harder, set goals again and (this I’ve missed quite a bit) cheer for my teammates.
The two meetings I’ve attended have been both productive and enjoyable–a good mix of each element. My fear was I’d show up to a garage/bike workshop where a bunch of Dolph Lundgren’s cousins cranked track bikes on rollers before they jumped into the axe-hacked ice hole in the frozen lake. Then chewed glass. Then rolled in it.
Well thankfully my teammates are more relaxed–or more thankfully, I missed the meeting with the rollers, the ice jumping, the chewing then rolling in glass.
At the second meeting, most of us were beyond the meet-and-greet stage which hopefully made it comfortable for those who were attending for the first time. If it didn’t, the team captain’s segue into “unfortunate incidences during races” certainly relaxed the crowd.
Here’s his story of the unfortunate incident that happened during a race:
Team Captain was running a trail marathon (26 miles in the woods) in December. After a six-inch snowfall the night before (yes, these are tough people). Anyway, his cousin decided to run the race that morning and while they started out together, fearless captain soon had the lead and held it until nature called. He answered the call far off the narrow track and discovered on his return to the race that his cousin was ahead of him. This evidently was not going to do! Someone who decided to run that morning was not going to be in front of the captain!
Considerably lighter after his detour and with killer determination, he picked up the pace and quickly caught up to his cousin. In the spirit of good sportsmanship, our intrepid captain decided not to make any courtesy announcement as he prepared to pass on the narrow trail, instead he reached out to give his cousin a bum-slap with the full intention of making sure his cousin saw nothing but the back of his woolen-capped head for the rest of the race.
The gods intervened as they often do in light of hubris and our captain tripped on something so instead of a light-hearted tap before making his cousin eat his snow clods, our captain did a 5-second impression of Superman’s flight before sliding face-down for about twenty feet in the snow.
The visual of this still has me laughing. The team heartily enjoyed the story as well and soon started offering alternate moves to the bum-slap when passing someone on a trail race. Then I offered my idea,
“Maybe you should have done the reach-around.”
About half the people in the room started yelling, “Whoa!” “No way!” or “Yeah!”
What I meant is maybe he should have somehow smacked him after he passed, which obviously makes no sense and clearly would have put the captain in a more likely position to fall but I didn’t think that was what they were reacting to.
After that, the phrase “reach-around” was tossed about quite a bit and still not knowing what it meant, I gathered it had something to do with either gayness, men in showers, forbidden placement of one’s hands (intentional? unintentional?) on another person (of the same? opposite? sex).
A second phrase came about shortly after when a god-awful statue was awarded to the last arrival at the meeting. This was a ceramic statue of a dancing Chinese man painted deep red with a gold overlay. The recipient of the award placed it (intentionally I’m certain) on the edge of the counter and was warned to look out for the “Drunken Slap”. The team loved and repeated that “Drunken Slap” as much as “reach around”.
In the car on the way home I confessed to my husband and our dear friends, a married couple that I had no idea what a “reach around” is. Neither did my husband. Nor did the wife.
That left the husband to explain.
Let me tell you about this friend of ours. He was raised Catholic. When you are raised Catholic, you don’t talk about private things! I know this, I was raised Catholic and there was nothing, NOTHING ever discussed that had to do with personal relationships or bodily functions–especially female bodily functions which made for interesting times in a house full of teenage girls.
Anyway, this poor fellow was supposed to enlighten us about the “reach around” but all he could do was say things like, “Argh! You know…ummmm, sheesh! What do you mean you don’t know what it means? Oh, man!…rrrgh!”
His wife began helping him out by saying, “Does it have something to do with Unspeakable body part #1?” and “Is it Unspeakable body part #2 doing Unspeakable act #1?” while her husband groaned and cleared his throat. Finally we got to the definition–it took nearly the entire ride home. And it’s pretty bad. I can’t actually believe I said it.
What on earth do my teammates think of me?

About EF Sweetman

writing, reading, pretty much everything noir
This entry was posted in 1, Blogroll, cautionary tales, essay, Observations, running, short story, urban dictionary, winter, writing and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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