Twilight #4 “Breaking Dawn”

Breaking Dawn (Twilight, #4)
by Stephenie Meyer

rating: this is the worst of all the 4 books

status: Read in January, 2009, read count: 1 for spite and to finish my scathing reviews.
recommended for: there is not a person on the planet to whom I’d recommend this tripe
recommended by: vegetable matter
review: Dear Artist Who is Now Prince But Used to Be A Symbol of Something That Didn’t Exist: could you conjure or imagine a symbol for utter loathing boredom, stupidity and slight acid indigestion? Then I could use it for a rating for this crappy book. Thanks.

All right, here it is, the final book of the worst popular writing that has ever taken hold of the heaving bosoms and loins of our future. I’m glad it’s over but I think I’ll miss disliking this so much.

Stephanie Meyer, what went wrong? Was it that you had a good idea that took off and made a ton of money when it first came out? Got the movie deal with the big stars and everyone around you saw nothing but dollar signs and let you just ramble on and on and on (for like 2300 pages or so) about your fantasy world? You need someone around you who actually cares enough to tell you to when your ideas are off, when things get really stupid and when hobos with 2 teeth and 3 brain cells make more sense than you do. This might sound harsh but you’ll come off better in the long run.

Breaking Dawn opens with the impending nuptials of the boring lump of a girl to her gorgeous (stated 976 times) sparkling (1095 times) brooding (612 times) and handsome (13,429 times) Edward. It’s kind of a rush thing because the only reason Bella wants to marry is so she can have sexual relations with her heart’s desire, even though he could kill her if he has sex with her. They marry, do the deed, it’s gooooooood for her, he eats a pillow and it should have ended there on page 398.

But no, Ms. Meyer dives into her arsenal of Ann Rice novels (before Ann Rice became Sister Beneficence Pope Highbrow) and pulls out a pregnancy and birth that recalls The Mayfair Witches, a kid that becomes an adult before she’s two because it’s inconvenient for Bella to actually be a mother (Incidently, that stupid name Renesmee? Threw up in my mouth when I read it). Ms. Meyer keeps Bella’s 2nd love interest close at hand which both emasculates and makes a pedophile of Jacob. Edward just goes around in “cold anger” or with “icy rage” or is “chillingly aloof” because there isn’t much else he can do while Bella-Mary Sue gets all Stephanie Meyer’s dreams for a happy ending. Never mind that none of it makes sense, or flows well. Spelling and grammar are also cast aside in this crazy rant/fantasy. Never mind that all the author staged for the Vampire existence: the rules and regulations of “Twighlight” world unravel to propel boring old Bella into the realm of super Vampire who loves her life and rules her world. Even the conflict, the supposed epic battle to save their daughter or die trying ends with, “Oh, I see, a complete misunderstanding, let’s all be friends after we kill one person.” How boring is that??
It’s like Stephanie Meyer became completely enamoured of her main character and took advice from all her teen fans In the “Twilight” chat room at how to bring this series to the “bestest” ending EVER!!!!!!!!!!!! to page 756.

I admit I skimmed through this pile of rubbish to try to extract the main ideas and the only reason I’ve done so is to see if Stephanie Meyer could redeem herself in her final book. She didn’t which wasn’t a surprise to me. What did astonish me was how bad this installment really was! At times I felt I was reading the rushed midnight scribblings of a high school student who has a major paper due in the morning but more frequently (and worse it was like reading a juvenile diary of a slightly unbalanced girl who dreams up a fantasy life where everything cool happens to her.

I predict (hope, pray) the “Twilight” hysteria will phase out pretty quickly after the last movie is done. Those who star in the movies will get really fat and boring (well the girl who plays Bella will get fat, she appears to be as exciting as drying paint) and that their teeth will turn to something resembling kidney beans. Stephanie Meyer, please pull your head out of your proverbial fantasy-girl bottom and write something original if you’re going to continue to get published. The reading public deserves way better than what you’ve given us thus far.
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About EF Sweetman

bees, baseball, beverly, ma, culture, manners, society, writing
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