Twilight #3 “Eclipse”

my review for “Eclipse” (Twilight #3)
rating: This is a really bad rating

status: Read in January, 2009, read count: 1 just for spite
recommended for: barnacles and plankton
review: The symbol that I wanted to use for how bad New Moon was (but doesn’t exist)? Make it a tick more obscene to rate this bit of offal.

Ann Rice! You are not allowed to receive one crumb of communion wafer until you berate Ms. Meyers for stealing your writing! Emily Bronte can’t rise from the grave to denounce her for all the literary thefts of Wuthering Heights! You must do something to stop this drivel from seeping into the collective consciousness of our future women leaders, philosophers, engineers, physicians, teachers!

Well if Ms. Rice will not respond, I must do my best: Eclipse does not fail in it’s author’s quest to make the crappiest teen romance/fantasy series. It opens with the dull lump of a heroine Bella in a bit of a quandry: trying to decide between a vampire or a werewolf–we know she’s torn because she sighs and cries a lot. As if that’s not tough enough, she also had to think about graduation! (I think she was on the committee to chose the class song and she didn’t want to let the group down). Thankfully, she doesn’t have to decide on a college! Edward decided on Dartmouth for her–whew! Now if only I knew getting into Dartmouth was so easy…sorry, this isn’t about me is it?

But crap! There’s much ado beyond the whiney, sobbing, petulant, hiccupping and ever-needing-to-be- carried-around-because-she-can’t-successfully-put-on- foot-in-front-of-the-other Bella and the boring-brooding-beautiful but controlling Edward. An evil vampiress is creating a legion of bloodthirsty vampires who are munching upon the politically correct citizens of Seattle, WA!! Oh no! The only way to stop the Evil Victoria is for Edward, Bella and Jacob to join their collective wonder-triplet powers ACTIVATE! If Ms. Meyers could have just stopped there, this novel wouldn’t be so bad.

Eclipse enters a new level of keep your daughters away from this warning. Parents, please consider placing an electric shock device in this book if your daughter pines for it. Why? It’s just repetitive, bad writing–pages and pages and pages of it that indoctrinate your daughters to a lifetime of reading bad literature. There’s also the fact the the heroine is absolutely and constantly controlled by her love’s desire, a man who tells her what to do, withholds affection if she gets out of line, decides her future and how she will live it. The only time in this series that Bella actually takes some initiative is when she decides she really, really wants to have sex with Edward. But that just can’t happen! according to the one who decides everything about Bella! She might die if they consummate their love while she is a human–he would actually kill her with…what???. Stephanie Meyers of all the words you wasted on us with your stupid, repetition of Edward’s gorgeous qualities, you completely skipped enlightening us on what’s going on with the magnificence of Edward’s man-thing and why Bella might die if they do the deed. Oh yeah, and then there’s that unfortunate date-rape scene when Jacob and Bella decide to remain friends. But, you know, Jacob is so cute and funny, so no big deal right?

I could go on ad nauseum about the stupidity of these books and how they just get worse and worse. The writing a poor and the editing is worse. The messages ceaselessly and repetetively sent to are the greatest of all of what is wrong with these books: A heroine who lets everything happen to her, obliviously uninvolved parents, a controlling, angry and manipulative older man boyfriend, a violent second boyfriend and a vacuous plot filled with one-dimensional, unfleshed secondary characters that propel these nitwits through too many pages of drivel. (less)

About EF Sweetman

bees, baseball, beverly, ma, culture, manners, society, writing
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