Twilight #2: “New Moon”

My review of “New Moon”, the second book is the dismal “Twilight” series.
review of: isbn 9781904233879
rating: No stars (out of 5 stars)
bookshelves: Read
status: Read in January, 2009, read count: 1 and I could barely get through it
recommended for: best use: line your out house or septic system with it
review: ** spoiler alert ** There is no respectable or decent rating symbol for this crap put into book form.

Shame on you parents for letting your vulnerable daughters read this! If this is their introduction to romance and love in literature, you had better double lock your doors and windows and install a firey moat around your home because you will not like what your daughters bring home as a first boyfriend….a fair warning.

So here in the second installment we have the idiot girl moaning and moping about getting old by turning seventeen!!!!! She should have just ended it there and jumped in front of a slow moving freight train. Please.

Instead she’s hosted (but not fanged to death as I hoped and prayed) by a gang of noble vampires a party where she manages to cut herself (yes, stupid-ass Bella trips, falls, bumps, hurtles herself down a staircase, now cuts herself) which gives them all a nose-full of her apparently irresistable odor and causes an abrupt end to her party and the removal of the vampire clan from Forks, Oregon. YAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!

No, sorry, we get THREE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY pages of snivelly, drivelly diary-diarrhea. Again, parents, please shelter your daughters from this nonsense! You will thank me.

Is there a glimmer of hope with Jacob? Did someone smash Ms. Meyers on the head and take over her computer to make an interesting character? Maybe but then he or she ran out of ideas and just made EXPLODING werewolves. Too bad. Note to self: I wonder why werewolves explode so much?

We don’t have much time to ponder that because Ms. Myers returned to her keyboard despite her obvious brain injury and continued the saga: somehow Bella develops superhuman powers and the ability to take international flights without going through customs, being questioned by security, having her belongings searched, developing indigestion from airport food, looking like hell when she lands…you get it. And she reunites with her man. If that wasn’t bad enough, we get to suffer through several thousand more pages of perfect love declarations, swearing to commit suicide if they ever part again, twinkling sparkling breath- taking good looks on his part, an irresistible odor on her part and the torture continues.

Ms. Meyers unabashedly lifts her material from “Romeo and Juliet” (the Bard can’t sue her), “Interview with a Vampire” series (Ann Rice doesn’t care if it doesn’t have anything to do with the Pope) and Teen Glamour Magazine (will their editors please wake up and reclaim some of their copy write???). This bad writing and it’s success astounds me. It is like really bad junk food, addicting and all-consuming but so bad for your brain–really! Doctors have done brain scans on people who have read Stephanie Meyers’s “Twilight” series and found that brain matter actually changes from neurons and white matter to and polyester and fat!!!
You, dear readers and parents of teens and tweens have been warned!

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About EF Sweetman

bees, baseball, beverly, ma, culture, manners, society, writing
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